They’re girls from a sports team. All I could think to myself was “one day, one day that will be me”. I’m sure they’ve all earned those bodies, and I’m gonna have to earn mine too. It was inspiring for me. I can’t wait to look like that too.

I wish I had nice boobs, a tiny waist, and wide hips with a nice round bum. I’m so jealous of bodies like that. Bodies like Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, Bria Myles, Christina Hendricks, Scarlett Johannson, and the like. Honestly, not being curvy bothers me a lot more than not being skinny. It really does. 

They were at the Palisades mall, which is near where I live. They were there just for a CD signing. I didn’t get to meet them or anything, I just saw them. I’m not a superfan of 1D or anything, but assdhjsdhjsndjksj they were so gorgeous!!!!!!!! Like wow, they’re even more gorgeous in real life!!!!! It was just so cool to actually see them right in front me. Having them just some feet away from me!!

I’ve never sat with friends and chatted like that before. I’ve never had girlfriends or ‘girl talk’, like they do. I wonder if I’ll ever get to that point with people. I’d love to have female friends (or any for that matter).

Whenever I’m in the student union, a campus restaurant, or any on-campus place with a bunch of people, I always just look around at the crowd. I look at all the people sitting together, talking to each other, laughing, seeming so close and comfortable with one another. I could just keep staring at them all day. I stare because I long for that. I long for it so badly, to be able to have friends to sit with, talk to, and be comfortable around. I want that more than anything. 

I am a junior in college, and I don’t have a single friend. I don’t have anyone I can call or text to hangout or talk to, no one. Sometimes when I’m staring at a crowd full of people with friends, I just wanna cry. How do I get that? Fucking HOW? I don’t get how everyone else does it so easy. I truly don’t understand. 

I’ve started therapy, but I wonder if it’ll even help. I feel so hopeless. Like maybe it really isn’t possible for me to make friends. Maybe I’m just not capable of that at all. 

Like, am I even capable of that? I’m 20yrs old, and don’t even know how to make friends. Third year of college, and I’m still alone. Pathetic..

That awkward moment when someone texts ‘yo’ first, and you text back ‘heyya’ right away, but then they don’t text you again.

Text me back!! I want someone to talk to.  :-(

I got someone’s phone number today! This girl that was in a summer class with me, ended up at the same university as me. We don’t usually ever talk to each other, but today while I was sitting by myself, she came over to me and asked me for my number. So now we have each other’s numbers. I don’t know if we’ll ever hang out or anything, but it’s a step in a good direction.

And in my psych research class, a guy I see around sat next to me. I said hi and then we started chatting with each other. He was talking a lot though. It was weird because right after we start talking to each other, he goes into talking about how he tried to talk to a girl last semester who had a boyfriend, and how he got this one girl’s number but couldn’t read it so was trying different numbers, and how he’s tried to use match.com but with no success.

He just immediately delve into talking about all this. There was something a little off about him with the way he interacted with me, I think he might have Asperger’s. But I don’t care. I was really happy that we spoke to each other. And that fact that he’s awkward makes me so relieved. I’m not the only one! I know there are a lot of other socially awkward people out there, but I never actually meet them. Meeting someone a bit like me makes me feel better. I hope we continue to talk to each other. 

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good day like this, I definitely wasn’t expecting it. Hopefully this is a sign of things changing a little for me.

Looks like I won’t be leaving my room for the rest of the day…

Because those texts are so rare :-(

• Overcome my social anxiety and make friends 
• Do well in school
• Lose weight
• Be happier with myself and my life

Same goals I always have. Hopefully things actually change this year.